Ts and Cs are always the boring bit. But tragically necessary. I’m a small business, in Switzerland of all places. I can’t afford clients to waltz off into the sunset with fabulous copy and an outstanding invoice. Nor can I afford projects to turn into The Never-ending Story with no payment in sight.

So these are my terms and conditions – written in the least boring way I can get away with. If you want me as your freelancer (and you really should) please read on:

• The terms of any proposal, quote, invoice, brief or anything else I’ve agreed with you are specific to you and your project. Nobody else.

• All quotes for work are valid for 30 days only. If you need to put your project on hold for a couple of months, then I’ll give you a new quote when you’re ready to get going again.

• I charge 50% upfront for all projects that will take more than a couple of days. That’s non-refundable. If you don’t pay on time, I’ll stop working until you do.

• Once I’ve given you a draft of the copy that I have developed for you, I ask you to get back to me with comments, questions and suggested edits within seven days.

• If I don’t hear from you in seven days, I’ll assume you are delighted with the copy and ready to pay any outstanding fees. I’ll invoice you directly.

• I don’t give refunds. If you change your mind at any point and decide not to use the work I’ve done for you – for whatever reason – then my time, effort and skill will still need to be paid for.

• You can use the copy I create for you in any way you choose for any part of your organisation. But please don’t give it to your partners to use as well. You wouldn’t with photography or other visuals, so please don’t with copy. If you want to share, we’ll arrange a licencing fee.

• Once the copy I create for you is signed off and approved, and you’re completely satisfied with what I’ve done, then it’s a done deal. If you need to change it later on, there’s a new fee and a new invoice attached to that.

• I include a number of rounds of amendments in my quoted fee so you can get copy that makes you really happy, without worrying about additional costs. However, if you bring in new information, or change the brief once work has started, that’s a new project and a new invoice.

• By the same token, if a new spokesperson or other third party is brought in to have a say once work has started or during the amendment stage, then I’m going to charge for that too. Key stakeholders – and I’m happy to work with as many as you have – need to be in on the initial briefs and decisions.

• Obviously, I’ll do everything reasonably possible to protect your confidentiality – and I’ll sign any NDA you have going. But if I’m talking to your external stakeholders you’ll need to tell me if there’s anything specific you want me to keep to myself.

• I don’t stand for unprofessional behaviour. If you are rude, shouty, insulting, sexist or in any other way unreasonable, then the project is off and I’ll invoice you for the full amount. Life is way too short for that kind of nonsense.

• This is the important one. Once you have approved my work, you are responsible for it and liable for the consequences of using it. If your organisations ends up communicating things it shouldn’t in public, that is on you.

I like having positive, friendly relationships with clients, and obviously most professionals don’t need to be told all this. But we all need a little bit of protection from time to time, and this is mine. I’ll answer any questions you have about any of the above, but if you find these terms truly objectionable, then maybe, just maybe, we aren’t right for each other.